It Is Not a Habit...

Running has changed my life. On a whim I began running in order to save money on a gym membership. Next thing I know, I’m acting like a souped up crack addict about to be deprived when the doctor and physical therapist told me to cool it and let my knee heal last summer.

What happened?

I have always hated exercise. Passionately hated it, to be precise. I was the girl who lay on the couch reading all day and turned down all sports. But I fear becoming another statistic. I have a grandfather who didn’t live past 60, a grandmother who had two heart attacks (the second one killed her), and another grandmother with Type II diabetes who is overweight and cannot walk. I don’t want my golden years to end like that, so I tried to find a way to get moving.

Along the way, I found some extraordinary benefits to physical fitness, and learned some surprising things about myself. For one, I am tougher and more athletic than I ever gave myself credit for. I learned that there are others in my family who love to run too, and it’s enjoyable to motivate each other.

I learned that running solves a lot of my problems too… Depression? Long gone. Exercise increases the release of serotonin, which is the brain’s ‘feel good’ chemical. Migraines? Hardly ever get them anymore. Many migraine medications are vasodilators, meaning they dilate blood vessels in order to alleviate pain. Exercise increases the elasticity of blood vessels and improves the efficiency of heart function. Female problems? What female problems? Exercise can help put your body in balance. Fat cells increase estrogen production – exercise reduces fat, and therefore can help balance your hormone function. Self esteem? Through the roof! Endorphins just plain make you feel good. Norwegian inclination to retain fat? Staved off! I learned that humans are designed to be far more active than we are in daily life, and that many medical conditions traditionally treated with pills can be resolved with increased physical activity.

I learned to say YES to myself, and I CAN do this! Finishing a half-marathon was exhilarating! Yes, it hurt, but it also felt very good to realize that through my own hard work I was able to traverse 13.1 miles at a pace faster than a walk – hell, traverse 13.1 miles under my own steam at any pace was amazing to me.

However, there are the naysayers. Whenever there’s a party, there’s always someone ready and waiting to put out the fire. Invariably, those who try to dissuade me are in less than perfect physical condition -yet they try to tell me that running is bad for me. Running is hard on my joints. Running will make me too skinny. My body is not designed for that much activity.

What are they afraid of? Have we become so skewed as a society that we cannot recognize healthy for what it is? Why have I been called ‘too skinny’ by people who cannot understand that 150 lbs and 5’6” is perfectly healthy? And why do they think that being so active is harmful? What makes them feel they know more than my doctor (who is thrilled I’m running, by the way)?

We’ve become too soft and it’s time to wake up and accept that leading such a sedentary lifestyle is harmful and no amount of justification can undo that. When over 50% of our population is classified as overweight, it’s time to step up and change the story.

What are we waiting for? Life is short, don't you want to feel good? Find something fun to do and just get out there and do it!

How Much is Enough?

Being a naturally giving person, it's easy for me to want to render aid and volunteer. But how much is enough? Is there such thing as too much?

The reason I ask is because although I never expect compensation for my assistance, I suppose I do expect some sort of common decency in exchange for going out of my way. I guess you could call that compensation. I expect it to be acknowledged, or at minimum, respected. Instead, I usually get used.

This begs the question: why bother? At what point should we draw the line and just let people solve problems on their own? The problem is, some of us loathe suffering. Watching people flounder or stand dumbfounded at an unopened door drives us insane. It's all too easy to dive in and patch things up and lead the way, and hey, it feels good! But are we really doing them any favors? I read somewhere once that sometimes, doing things for others deprives them of the dignity of being able to do for themselves. Maybe there's a little truth to that.

I volunteer for 4 years of search and rescue training. I suffer through sleep deprivation, torrential sideways rain, being buried alive under 8 feet of snow, countless man-hours and personal dollars. The end result is no respect and the continual attitude that I need to sacrifice my own needs for the personal gain of a select few, without any regard for my needs.

I loan my brother a car, which he promptly gets impounded. I loan him another, which he goes behind my back and trades for a Camaro. This leaves me with no vehicle and no opportunity to recover the material value lost, aside from the indignity of suing my own brother. Again, no regard for my needs.

I am listing these examples to illustrate a point. Compassion is a beautiful thing, but there are people everywhere ready and waiting to exploit it. It's OK to set boundaries and say no. It's appropriate to set limits on when and how much you're willing to give. Anyone who gets angry with you for refusing to pay out 'on demand' has no concept of boundaries. They have no right to make you feel guilty for refusing to perform their tasks for them!

Individuals who have become accustomed to being waited on hand and foot will become enraged when you finally start declining to fulfill their needs. How dare you not finish that report for them? What do you mean, you won't do that project? It's very true that we train people how to treat us. Up until now, many of us have trained people to treat us as their servants. I am here to tell you we can un-train them.

Many people don't realize that 'boundaries' mean more than just what others aren't allowed to do to you. Boundaries also include what you do to or for others. Each person has an innate dignity and is entitled to and is responsible for caring for themselves. Reaching out and performing tasks for others that they are capable of doing for themselves is violating both your boundaries and theirs. It violates your boundaries because it places you in the position of caregiver or 'parent' to another competent adult. It violates the boundaries of the other person because your actions do not acknowledge (or allow them to express) their competence as adults in caring for their own needs. This logic should explain why they start to behave like the incorrigible two-year-olds we have trained them to be when we suddenly remove this nurturing assistance. We are not treating them like adults, so why on earth should they act like adults?''

Helping someone in need is part of what makes us human. But next time, before you reach out, consider the cost. Can you afford to give what is being asked? Is the person capable of doing this on their own, or are they possibly looking for a 'lackey' to do their work for them? Is the equation going to be balanced, or are you going to end up with an unequal share of the burden?

The lessons that I have been learning have been slow and painful. It is appalling to realize exactly how many people are more than happy to use you for all that you are worth (and then some) and not ever bat an eyelash or lift a finger on your behalf. Just remember, it's OK to say NO.

I promise.

Scapegoat Wanted: Inquire Within...

I've been doing some research lately on family dynamics and roles that are assigned to each member in the family. Why do so many families have a 'Black Sheep' or 'Scapegoat?' What need does that particular position fill? Is it valid?

I discovered that the Scapegoat is usually a member of a dysfunctional family unit. This person is almost always a very strong family member with a very caring nature. Personality traits that can open the door to being recruited as the 'Scapegoat' are inner strength, truth-telling, capacity for caring, and black-and-white thinking. To explain: their caring temperament causes them to endure the negative behavior because despite the abuse, they still love the perpetrator(s). If someone tends to naturally have black-and-white thinking (everything is either all good or all bad) and also is a strong individual, they will not ignore the 'elephant in the living room.' They draw attention to the family dysfunction and thus become a target. This family member will 'tell it like it is' or otherwise put a spotlight on the real problem instead of ignoring it so no one has to actually deal with it. This is the child that will act out verbally or behaviorally and literally acts like the Canary in the coal mine, alerting everyone involved that something is not right. This sets up a dynamic in which the 'Scapegoat' is castigated and punished by all the family members for daring to notice the leaks in the Titanic.

I was watching a show this afternoon called "The Emperor Has No Clothes." In this tale, no one wants to confront the truth that there is no cloth, because then by definition they would be branded as useless or stupid for not being able to see it...so everyone just goes along with the scenario so as not to make waves. This is the role that most family members will play because it protects them from punishment, retaliation and ostracization. The child who finally points out that the Emperor is indeed naked is the Scapegoat. In the tale, ultimately everyone takes up the cry, and the Emperor proudly continues and refuses to acknowledge the truth...sadly, that is not normally what occurs in the family dynamic.

People who hop on the bandwagon and flog the Scapegoat do so for several reasons. Please note that many of these reasons are not 'conscious' but part of a desperate, subconscious attempt to retain a socially appropriate image:

1. Since they are not normally emotionally as strong as the Scapegoat, it is easier to shut out or blame that family member than it is to confront the real underlying issue.
2. Participating in bullying the Scapegoat allows them to escape the same fate - they could be next, after all
3. Venting aggression on one family member is a form of stress relief to deal with the underlying issues that are not being addressed, without actually having to address them
4. Participants subconsciously (or consciously) believe that drawing attention to the sins (however large, small, factual or make-believe) of the Scapegoat, they make themselves appear better. Unfortunately, they do not realize that the ruse is flimsy and obvious to onlookers.
5. Participants are embarrassed because the Scapegoat has usually either told the truth about family dysfunction (whether it be abuse, alcoholism or other problems) or acts out the dysfunctional dynamic behaviorally. This person must be punished for making it public

Unfortunately, once branded, the Scapegoat has no way out. No matter what this person does, what they achieve, or how hard they try to please the dysfunctional family unit, they will never be allowed to break out of the family role that has been handed to them. They can never be forgiven for either telling about, or acting out the family dysfunction. The reason they can never be forgiven, is because the participants would then be forced to acknowledge that there is something wrong. Also, since part of the dynamic is stress relief, if the Scapegoat is allowed to break out of their role, by default another is usually chosen from amongst the dysfunctional family unit. There is a sense of self-preservation: keep the Scapegoat in that role to prevent me from being next to assume that role.

Keep in mind, it is NOT the Scapegoat's fault that their sins are held under a microscope while everyone else is given a free pass. This type of family structure is very abusive and destructive. That being said, there are traits that make it more likely that an individual will be chosen for this role:

1. Tends to be a strong individual
2. Tends to have black-and-white thinking
3. Often very outspoken or sensitive - will either point out the defect or 'act out' behaviorally in reaction to the unhealthy environment
4. Usually has a very large capacity for caring - this causes them to tolerate the unfair, negative treatment. They care for their family members and thus endure
5. Unable to separate self from criticism heaped upon them - will internalize negative message and blame themselves for the abusive behavior
6. Sometimes is 'different' - for example, handicapped, adopted, has some sort of physical or mental flaw - could have habits or mannerisms that deviate from 'normal'

How to break the cycle? On the rare chance the participants are willing to listen and be made aware of this cycle of blaming the Canary instead of dealing with the root problem, this would be ideal. Sadly, they are usually unwilling to recognize the problem, as evidenced by the creating of a Scapegoat position in the first place.

The person given the unenviable role of Scapegoat has a number of options. Counselling would be first on the list. Through that, the victim can learn what set them up for this role, how to change what is in their power to change, and hopefully learn that they do not deserve the level of suffering they are being handed. They can also be taught the tools to prevent themselves from becoming a victim of this kind of pigeon-holing in their future relationships in order to prevent repeating the tragedy over and over in subsequent relationships.

Ultimately, it appears that most Scapegoats have to actually resign their roles. This usually involves severely curtailing or eliminating completely any contact with the participants of their suffering. This can be an extraordinarily scary and painful experience. It can also be quite liberating. This option can give the victim the opportunity to heal, recover self-esteem, and regain a sense of purpose and balance in their lives. Please be aware that the participants do NOT want you to resign your role! Because if you do, they have to deal with the problem, or they could be targeted next. Their behavior will often escalate before it extinguishes.

Sadly, the participants usually never learn their lesson once the Scapegoat quits. They will actively seek out a replacement - I saw this evidenced in a family where 4 children were successively foisted into this role as their predecessor 'quit.' And amazingly, if the ex-Scapegoat ever does reappear, the participants will eagerly place them back in the same role. It is very important to realize that we cannot change people. As long as they choose to live with the dysfunction, and as long as blaming others 'works' for them and prevents them from having to confront whatever it is they are avoiding, they have no vested interest in change. All we can do is save ourselves...

Yeah, but....

I was struck by a conversation I had with a young lady recently. She was very excited because she had a new boyfriend and they had been dating for two weeks. I perked up: "Really? What does he do? Does he work or is he in school?" This lovely young lady said: "Well, he babysits his sister's kids, that's kind of a job...isn't it?" I was stunned.

She then went on to relate to me that he'd been in town for four months, and was living with his sister, watching her children in exchange for eating and sleeping there. Apparently he's 'sort of'' looking for a job but is adamant that he won't work fast food or some menial minimum-wage job. This guy has a high-school education, so where exactly does he think he's going to start? When I started to point out some red flags I was immediately interrupted with: "Yeah, but he's really funny, and I like him a lot!" Oh, woe is the female of the species...we are such easy prey aren't we?

As women, why are we so compelled to make excuses for men? Do we think we have to settle? What allows us to overlook drug use, alcoholism, philandering, lack of ambition and other critical flaws? What on earth are we thinking when we turn a blind eye to the modus operandi of every lazy, immature slacker that walks into our lives? It's like a bad car accident, you just can't look away. It's sad to see women allow themselves to take on the role of caregiver and provider to a grown man instead of demanding an equal partner in life. And it's disheartening to see an adult sit back and be perfectly willing to play Peter Pan.

Bad relationship choices happen all the time. The reasons vary, and the psychological underpinnings change with each situation. But the fact remains that we destroy ourselves piece by piece with these choices. So much needless suffering is brought upon ourselves simply because we want to "be nice,” or "he's really trying," or we "don't want to hurt anyone's feelings." In the end, our kindness is not returned in equal share, and our feelings end up getting hurt because the trade is not equitable.

The worst part is how women enable each other to continue putting up with these relationships. You've heard it all before - he drinks too much, isn't working and isn't interested in finding work, stays out till 4am - the list is endless. And what do we tell each other? It's ok, he's a jerk. Have you tried (add generic solution here)? We just parrot back the same justifications we tell ourselves every day instead of telling each other the truth. When are we going to stop saying “Yeah, but….” And start dealing with the realities at hand?

Frequently, our problem is low self-esteem. We don't think we are good enough for that ambitious guy over on the other end of the room. Sometimes we're just so lonely and desperate for love that we cling to the first guy that pays any attention to us. Usually, though, the man who rushes in has nothing to lose because he's a loser - so what does he have to lose if you blow him off when he makes a speedy pass at you? Nothing! He's just going to wait for the next unsuspecting lady to walk by. Men who are in charge of their lives tend to be more discriminating. Is that what scares us? Are we afraid that if we have standards we might have to live up to someone else's standards?

As long as we continue to enable Peter Pan by bestowing our time, money, and affections on him with no effort on his part, he will never learn how to step up to the plate. A man ready and willing to commit and be an equal partner has no pride. He will flip burgers, deliver papers, work two jobs, whatever it takes to pull his share. A man worth his salt knows that a relationship requires teamwork, and building a life together requires the effort of both parties involved. At what point are we as women willing to insist we receive the same amount of effort that we give?

This world is full of people just waiting to take advantage of you or charm you out of everything you're worth. Yeah, but...you're worth a lot more than that!

Ride The Pony

I decided I wanted to try my hand at writing, so I created a blog. Not surprisingly, I suddenly have nothing to write about. Another in a long line of great ideas that paralyzes me the minute it becomes a reality.

What is it about new challenges and experiences that just stalls some of us out? Is it fear of failure, or fear of success? Do we secretly think we don't deserve to be successful? Are we afraid of being scoffed at? Perhaps it's a dread of losing control. What if that great idea takes over my life and I no longer have the freedom to come up for air?

One of the hardest things for me to learn was that people don't really pay that much attention to anything outside of themselves - chances are they aren't watching as close as you think they are! If you fail, you've still gained a lot of valuable experiences, and sometimes failures can open the door to other successful endeavors. Sometimes it can bring you down a road you never even knew existed! In a sense, there is no such thing as failure, only opportunities to learn and grow.

Perversely, the thought of success can be equally paralyzing. Yes, you laugh at the notion, but try explaining how silly that idea is to a Type A personality that must be in control of everything at all times. The mere notion of anything getting out of hand can send us into fits of the vapors. It's very easy to forget that we're in the driver's seat and can control our success, so there's nothing to fear from it.

And just try to explain the concept that success is reachable to someone with self-esteem issues. It can be a Herculean task to overcome the idea that we don't deserve to be successful in at least one arena in life. The truth is, we all deserve success, and we all have something wonderful and unique to offer the world.

Maybe it's time to just saddle up and ride that pony for all it's worth. After all, we only live once.