The reason I ask is because although I never expect compensation for my assistance, I suppose I do expect some sort of common decency in exchange for going out of my way. I guess you could call that compensation. I expect it to be acknowledged, or at minimum, respected. Instead, I usually get used.
This begs the question: why bother? At what point should we draw the line and just let people solve problems on their own? The problem is, some of us loathe suffering. Watching people flounder or stand dumbfounded at an unopened door drives us insane. It's all too easy to dive in and patch things up and lead the way, and hey, it feels good! But are we really doing them any favors? I read somewhere once that sometimes, doing things for others deprives them of the dignity of being able to do for themselves. Maybe there's a little truth to that.
I volunteer for 4 years of search and rescue training. I suffer through sleep deprivation, torrential sideways rain, being buried alive under 8 feet of snow, countless man-hours and personal dollars. The end result is no respect and the continual attitude that I need to sacrifice my own needs for the personal gain of a select few, without any regard for my needs.
I loan my brother a car, which he promptly gets impounded. I loan him another, which he goes behind my back and trades for a Camaro. This leaves me with no vehicle and no opportunity to recover the material value lost, aside from the indignity of suing my own brother. Again, no regard for my needs.
I am listing these examples to illustrate a point. Compassion is a beautiful thing, but there are people everywhere ready and waiting to exploit it. It's OK to set boundaries and say no. It's appropriate to set limits on when and how much you're willing to give. Anyone who gets angry with you for refusing to pay out 'on demand' has no concept of boundaries. They have no right to make you feel guilty for refusing to perform their tasks for them!
Individuals who have become accustomed to being waited on hand and foot will become enraged when you finally start declining to fulfill their needs. How dare you not finish that report for them? What do you mean, you won't do that project? It's very true that we train people how to treat us. Up until now, many of us have trained people to treat us as their servants. I am here to tell you we can un-train them.
Many people don't realize that 'boundaries' mean more than just what others aren't allowed to do to you. Boundaries also include what you do to or for others. Each person has an innate dignity and is entitled to and is responsible for caring for themselves. Reaching out and performing tasks for others that they are capable of doing for themselves is violating both your boundaries and theirs. It violates your boundaries because it places you in the position of caregiver or 'parent' to another competent adult. It violates the boundaries of the other person because your actions do not acknowledge (or allow them to express) their competence as adults in caring for their own needs. This logic should explain why they start to behave like the incorrigible two-year-olds we have trained them to be when we suddenly remove this nurturing assistance. We are not treating them like adults, so why on earth should they act like adults?''
Helping someone in need is part of what makes us human. But next time, before you reach out, consider the cost. Can you afford to give what is being asked? Is the person capable of doing this on their own, or are they possibly looking for a 'lackey' to do their work for them? Is the equation going to be balanced, or are you going to end up with an unequal share of the burden?
The lessons that I have been learning have been slow and painful. It is appalling to realize exactly how many people are more than happy to use you for all that you are worth (and then some) and not ever bat an eyelash or lift a finger on your behalf. Just remember, it's OK to say NO.
I promise.
Thank you for your insight. ��
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