I was struck by a conversation I had with a young lady recently. She was very excited because she had a new boyfriend and they had been dating for two weeks. I perked up: "Really? What does he do? Does he work or is he in school?" This lovely young lady said: "Well, he babysits his sister's kids, that's kind of a job...isn't it?" I was stunned.
She then went on to relate to me that he'd been in town for four months, and was living with his sister, watching her children in exchange for eating and sleeping there. Apparently he's 'sort of'' looking for a job but is adamant that he won't work fast food or some menial minimum-wage job. This guy has a high-school education, so where exactly does he think he's going to start? When I started to point out some red flags I was immediately interrupted with: "Yeah, but he's really funny, and I like him a lot!" Oh, woe is the female of the species...we are such easy prey aren't we?
As women, why are we so compelled to make excuses for men? Do we think we have to settle? What allows us to overlook drug use, alcoholism, philandering, lack of ambition and other critical flaws? What on earth are we thinking when we turn a blind eye to the modus operandi of every lazy, immature slacker that walks into our lives? It's like a bad car accident, you just can't look away. It's sad to see women allow themselves to take on the role of caregiver and provider to a grown man instead of demanding an equal partner in life. And it's disheartening to see an adult sit back and be perfectly willing to play Peter Pan.
Bad relationship choices happen all the time. The reasons vary, and the psychological underpinnings change with each situation. But the fact remains that we destroy ourselves piece by piece with these choices. So much needless suffering is brought upon ourselves simply because we want to "be nice,” or "he's really trying," or we "don't want to hurt anyone's feelings." In the end, our kindness is not returned in equal share, and our feelings end up getting hurt because the trade is not equitable.
The worst part is how women enable each other to continue putting up with these relationships. You've heard it all before - he drinks too much, isn't working and isn't interested in finding work, stays out till 4am - the list is endless. And what do we tell each other? It's ok, he's a jerk. Have you tried (add generic solution here)? We just parrot back the same justifications we tell ourselves every day instead of telling each other the truth. When are we going to stop saying “Yeah, but….” And start dealing with the realities at hand?
Frequently, our problem is low self-esteem. We don't think we are good enough for that ambitious guy over on the other end of the room. Sometimes we're just so lonely and desperate for love that we cling to the first guy that pays any attention to us. Usually, though, the man who rushes in has nothing to lose because he's a loser - so what does he have to lose if you blow him off when he makes a speedy pass at you? Nothing! He's just going to wait for the next unsuspecting lady to walk by. Men who are in charge of their lives tend to be more discriminating. Is that what scares us? Are we afraid that if we have standards we might have to live up to someone else's standards?
As long as we continue to enable Peter Pan by bestowing our time, money, and affections on him with no effort on his part, he will never learn how to step up to the plate. A man ready and willing to commit and be an equal partner has no pride. He will flip burgers, deliver papers, work two jobs, whatever it takes to pull his share. A man worth his salt knows that a relationship requires teamwork, and building a life together requires the effort of both parties involved. At what point are we as women willing to insist we receive the same amount of effort that we give?
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